Give Me Liberty or Give Me Bacon
by Mikauzoran
Summary: It started with a class trip to the farm and ended with Hakuba and Shinichi buying Kaito five piglets to save the little porkers from becoming breakfast meat. Will Kaito find homes for the pigs before they destroy the Kudo Manor and drive the detectives nuts? And will Kaito ever be able to choose between Shinichi and Saguru, or will the three of them just stay stuck? Beikan Bacon.


Mikau: Hello everyone! Thanks so much for taking a look at this piece! It's actually for the Beikan Bacon Challenge that's going around. I had no idea what it was until Miss Emotion challenged me, so… And now I'm supposed to challenge three other people, so: MeitanteiRose, GeekyGenius, and icarusdg, if you're reading this, tag. You're it. If you feel like it anyway. Also, before I forget, I have officially adopted Luna Darkside's fic Behind the Mask, so look for the next chapter of that coming out sometime in the next week. And now on with the show.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, people would randomly break into song more often. Actually, no. That would just be weird considering the genre; however, if I ran the world, there would be a lot more random singing. Just be glad I don't run the world.

…

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Bacon

Really, Hakuba Saguru liked pigs. Honestly he did. They were kind of cute in a "what the hell happened to your face?" kind of way, and the little snorting noises they made were sort of endearing, and they made excellent breakfast meat, but…he was having trouble remembering all of that as five piglets systematically trashed the entirety of the Kudo family study.

"Wilbur! Get down from there!" he shrieked as one porker ascended the ladder affixed to the top of the bookcases on a slider for ease of access to the whole of the collection. "Wilbur!"

Or maybe that one was Orville. Huh. They were both black and white, and it was kind of hard to tell because, really, Saguru didn't have that kind of emotional attachment to them necessary for him to care which little devil was which.

No. That was definitely Wilbur because Orville was currently rooting through the little rubbish bin tucked beneath the desk.

Saguru quickly pulled one pig off the ladder and rushed to fish any trash that Orville may have pilfered out of the piglet's mouth.

And then Babe knocked over the desk lamp.

Saguru turned and stared at the little piebald pig on the desk.

Babe stared back innocently in a "Hi, Uncle Saguru" fashion.

Now when had that pig gotten up on the desk? Probably about the time Pink Floyd had demanded Saguru's attention by climbing up on the back of the sofa two minutes ago. Speaking of Pink Floyd, he was back at it again, ready to dive off of the back of the couch in an attempt to either end it all or take to the sky like his father's white-tuxedo-clad alter ego.

Hakuba set Babe back on the floor and put the trashcan over the broken glass until he could do a better job of cleaning it up…after he saved Pink Floyd from an unsavory fall, because Kaito would be very upset if he should return to the Kudo Manor to find one of his precious pig children deceased or in a body cast or something gruesome like that.

Once Pink Floyd was safely grounded and Wilbur was persuaded down from the ladder once more, Saguru realized that he was missing one piglet. Where was Napoleon? Crap! WHERE. WAS. NAPOLEON?!

On the second level, perusing the medical dictionaries and probably planning world domination.

Saguru scrambled up the ladder as fast as he could and returned to the first level several minutes later with the precocious Napoleon tucked under his arm. (After having chased aforementioned piglet through the stacks much in the same fashion he usually reserved for the Kaitou Kid.)

Babe and Orville celebrated their brother's return with happy little squeals, but Wilbur and Pink Floyd were unaccounted for. Ah. There was Wilbur getting into the stale cheerios in the desk drawer, and Pink Floyd had gone back to being a maverick, bravely trying to go where no pig had gone before. Unless, you know, pigs really did fly, but Saguru wasn't holding his breath on that one. Saguru was going to have to attach a parachute or some wings to that piggy if this behavior persisted. Pink Floyd had his daddy Kaito's penchant for trying to leap from high places, and it wasn't going to end well. Well, for the pig and Kaito anyway. The rest of them could have some bacon out of the deal but…

Saguru rectified the situation as best as he could and then collapsed onto the couch with a pig under each arm, thinking that if he could just keep Napoleon and Pink Floyd out of trouble until either Kaito or Kudo returned…

He looked at the clock on the wall since he was unable to spare a hand to reach for the one in his pocket. Was it naptime yet? No? No. They had only woken up about an hour ago. There would be no napping for quite some time, unfortunately.

Now, at this point, you may be wondering how Hakuba Saguru came to be babysitting five piglets inside of the Kudo Manor. That is an excellent question—one that Saguru was asking himself as well at that very moment.

It started out innocently enough. They had gone on a daytrip to a working farm/petting zoo for an environmental ethics class that Shinichi, Kaito, and Saguru were all enrolled in at their university. It had actually been kind of interesting. You could milk the cows, feed the animals, collect eggs, see working farm equipment, and even learn about the good old days of farming (including chamber pots, straw-stuffed mattresses, and baling hay). They had an old farm house that had been turned into a museum, and the staff giving the tours was quite knowledgeable. It had actually made for a genuinely interesting field trip experience. Much better than the time they had toured that recycling plant.

And there had been a petting zoo portion which Kaito had adored. Shinichi and Hakuba both had to admit that the petting zoo was their favorite part as well, but not because they enjoyed the baby animals. Yes, the baby animals were quite charming, if not a little…potent in regards to their farmyard odor, but the real draw had been watching Kaito play with the baby animals. It was like soft-core porn.

Saguru tried not to be too conspicuous with his taping of the free show and his overzealous photo-taking. Meanwhile, Shinichi was staring, putting his hand to his chin so that it covered his nose and mouth in what was meant to look like a contemplative pose but was really just an attempt to hide his massive nosebleed.

"I'm thinking that maybe we should put our differences aside just this once in our battle for Kaito's affections and maybe…I don't know…share photos later?" Shinichi proposed, snapping one of Kaito nuzzling a baby chick as six more climbed all over him.

"Agreed," Saguru concurred, eager to have as much of this moment as possible documented for his future viewing pleasure. "Looks like he's going to play with the baby goats next. Do you think they'll try to eat his shirt and end up tearing it off?"

"God, I hope so." Shinichi mentally crossed his fingers as the kids congregated around Kaito, nudging him in hopes of a free meal.

All too soon for the smitten teens' liking, the group moved on from the petting zoo to one of the many barns where they kept the real farm animals.

"I think I liked feeding the baby goats with a bottle best," Kaito reported, zipping up the jacket he had had to borrow from Shinichi since his shirt had been ripped up by the hungry little goats. "But the llamas were super cool too. I want a llama. Ru, buy me a llama."

"No," Saguru snorted, rolling his eyes fondly at the zany magician.

With a pout, Kaito turned to Shinichi. "Shin-chan, buy me a llama," he begged, breaking out the puppy-dog eyes.

Saguru shook his head, covering Shinichi's eyes so that the other detective wasn't taken in by Kaito's hypnotic gaze. "Kudo, you're not buying him a llama. Where is he going to keep a llama?"

"Your house?" Kaito turned his transfixing stare on Saguru.

Saguru could feel the pull, urging him to give in. Those eyes, that face, that body—it was hard to resist. Saguru closed his eyes and shook his head once more. "No. No llama."

"Drat." Kaito clucked, snapping his fingers. "How about a chicken?"

"No, Kaito," Shinichi chuckled, careful not to actually look directly at the magician lest he be sucked in again.

"A rabbit? How about a rabbit?" Kaito proposed, deciding to settle. "I've never had a rabbit before. I'm not really a proper magician without a rabbit, am I?"

"Kuroba, you'd never stoop so low as to actually pull a rabbit out of a hat," Saguru reasoned.

"No, but I could always pull it out of other places. Like your pants." Kaito stuck his hand into Saguru's back pants pocket (causing the blonde's entire face to turn vermillion up to the very tips of his ears) and produced a cinnamon-colored bunny.

Shinichi frowned, scolding a shameless Kaito with his eyes. "Kaito, go put it back."

"Fiiiine," Kaito sighed, begrudgingly walking his little buddy back to the rabbit pen and depositing it there along with the rest of its kin. Kaito sadly waved goodbye to "Honey", bidding her an emotional farewell.

Saguru's brow furrowed, the sorrowful look on Kaito's face tugging at his heartstrings. "Kudo, maybe we should get him a rabbit."

"Hakuba, if you cave now, he'll just get worse. We've got two more hours here on this farm, and if you give in now, it won't stop there. We'll be going home with an entire farm in miniature, and he'll ask to keep the animals at our houses. Just think of the repercussions of letting him have one rabbit. It won't just be one rabbit," Shinichi warned, trying to talk some sense into his friendly rival. "You don't want to be stuck taking care of sheep and cows and stuff, and neither do I."

Saguru nodded, coming back to his senses. "You're right, Kudo. Thank you. I don't know what happened. I lost myself for a minute there."

"It's the Kaito Effect. He's like opium."

Saguru nodded in agreement as Kaito came back to join them, dragging his tail between his legs.

The magician perked up again just a few minutes later, though, when they arrived in the barn and saw all of the animals there.

The class learned about the horses and how they were used to help out on the farm in the olden days and how they still were used today. They visited the cows and helped out with the milking. They learned about the sheep and the entire process of turning wool into a sweater. They collected eggs from the chickens and learned about the pecking order in the henhouse. And then they came to the pigs.

If Saguru and Shinichi had only known what was to come, they would have called in sick.

As it were, the adult pigs were out in the yard, so the class didn't get to see them, but there were five little piglets off to the side in a separate pen for the class to observe.

Kaito was immediately drawn to them, and they were drawn to Kaito, coming right up to the fence and sticking their little snouts through to nuzzle his hands. It was love at first sight on both ends.

"What do they use the pigs for?" Kaito wondered aloud scratching behind (the piglet that would come to be) Pink Floyd's ear. "Hunting for truffles like in the Harvest Moon games?"

Saguru frowned.

Shinichi winced.

Neither of them had the heart to tell Kaito what fate was to befall his new little friends. The tour guide, however, had no qualms about describing the entire butchering process in minute detail, much to Kaito's abject horror.

After the lecture was over, the class moved on to look at the machinery, but Kaito hung back, unable to leave the piglets that had captured his heart to certain doom.

Kaito turned to his detectives and announced that they had to do something and _now_.

Saguru sighed. "Kuroba, I am _not_ going to help you steal pigs and smuggle them back to civilization."

"Aw, c'mon," Kaito whined, not understanding how Hakuba could not comprehend the urgency of the situation. "Ru, these little guys are in mortal peril! Help another living creature out! We can't let them be killed and eaten! I thought you detective types were all about stopping the murder of innocents, huh?"

Saguru pinched the bridge of his nose. He could almost feel the massive migraine this was going to turn into later right this very moment. He was not going to steal pigs. Not even for the mesmerizingly manipulative Kuroba Kaito. It was _not_ going to happen.

Kaito sensed resistance, so, knowing that Hakuba had built up a bit of a tolerance from their longer acquaintance, Kaito changed routes, going instead for the weaker link. "Shin-chan!" he sang.

"No, no, and no," the other detective refused, vehemently shaking his head. "It's not going to happen, Kaito."

Kaito stuck out his bottom lip to stall for time as he plotted his next move. "Okay, well…buy them for me."

Saguru raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Buy them for me!" Kaito demanded like a small child in the candy store. "Please! Pretty please! Please, please, please, Ru?" Kaito turned up the charm by widening his eyes and looking up at Saguru through his eyelashes.

Saguru's bottom lip quivered and his left eye began to twitch. "K-Kuroba, what are you going to do with five piglets? Where are you going to keep them? What are you going to feed them? You can't possibly take care of _five_ of them."

"Oh, please, Saguru?" Kaito cried, throwing his arms around Hakuba's neck and nuzzling the blonde. "Please? We can't just leave them here to die. Please buy them for me!"

Saguru's resolve was quickly cracking as the object of his desire clung to him, tears in his eyes, face full of desperation, begging Saguru to be his hero and save the day, all the while rubbing their hips together in a teasing manner.

"Please, Saguru." Kaito batted his eyes helplessly, putting the final touches on his master plan: "You'll do it for _me_, won't you?"

Saguru was just about to inform Kaito that he would do _anything_ for Kaito's sake when Shinichi stepped in, forcibly pulling their mutual crush off of the Brit.

"Hakuba, don't give in to him," Shinichi chastised. "There's no way we're buying pigs. What are we going to do with piglets? We have no idea what to feed them or how to care for them. To top it all off, we don't even have anywhere to keep them."

Kaito turned and began to work his magic on Shinichi, draping himself across the brunette detective's shoulders as he purred, "We can keep them at your house until we find suitable homes for them, can't we, Shin-chan? Pretty please? As for the rest, I can just google it later. You'll help buy them for me, won't you, Shinichi?"

"Don't listen to him, Kudo," Saguru commanded, coming back to his senses now that Kaito had been extracted from his person. "Kuroba, this is ridiculous."

"C'mon, Saguru." Kaito pursed his lips. "Look, buy the pigs for me, and I'll pay you back."

Saguru raised an eyebrow.

"Kaito, we all know that you have no legal way of paying us back." Shinichi rolled his eyes, reluctantly stepping away from temptation.

"Not with _money_, no," Kaito hummed. "But I can provide certain goods and services you guys might be interested in."

Both detectives' ears pricked up, their cheeks coloring in twin blushes.

"G-Goods?" Saguru stuttered.

"S-Services?" Shinichi echoed.

"Mmhmm." Kaito smirked, knowing that he had them by the…well, you know. "I might be willing to share certain photos from my childhood and adolescence with you guys in exchange for saving these beautiful little creatures. As for services, I'd be willing to work off my tab by preforming household chores and errands…while in suitable attire…or unsuitable attire; it's your choice, really. I have maid costumes, butler outfits, catboy, nurse, police officer, schoolgirl…the list goes on, but I'd be happy to take requests."

Saguru and Shinichi shared a look and made their decision almost instantaneously.

And that pretty much brings us up to present. The besotted detectives, of course, caved and paid the piglets' ransom. They took Babe, Wilbur, Orville, Pink Floyd, and Napoleon home to the Kudo Manor and had taken turns watching the little wigglers. Kaito was currently out and about finding adoptive mommies and daddies for the bunch, and Kudo was in the kitchen making some breakfast.

As if magically summoned in answer to Saguru's prayers, Kudo Shinichi walked through the doorway to the study carrying two plates. "Are you sure you don't want anything else?" He raised an eyebrow at Saguru's two pieces of plain toast but set the plate down on the side table beside the other detective anyway.

"This will be sufficient, thank you," Saguru returned, gently setting Napoleon and Pink Floyd down on the floor so that he could tend to his own needs.

"Did you want any sugar or milk with your tea?" Shinichi inquired, taking a bite of his bacon and egg sandwich followed by a swig of his darker-than-black paint stripper masquerading as coffee.

"I could probably use the extra sugar today, but I'm too exhausted to go get it, and I wouldn't dream of sending you back to the kitchen either. I know how tired you must be, Kudo. I really appreciate you making breakfast," Saguru thanked the other detective sincerely.

Shinichi shrugged, sinking into the sofa beside Hakuba and settling in to watch the little porkers wreak havoc on his precious study. "I really didn't have to do much for yours. Making toast only requires the push of a button, but…you're welcome. Though, I think you got the short end of the stick, pig-sitting while I made breakfast."

"I just kept reminding myself that I'm doing this for Kaito." Saguru shrugged it off. "…Do you suppose he'll be back soon?" Saguru asked hopefully as Pink Floyd ascended the desk chair and Wilbur attempted to follow his older brother but fell, accidentally making the chair spin.

"God, I hope so, but I'm really not counting on it. I mean, who the hell is going to adopt five piglets?" Shinichi sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Saguru watched in amazement as each and every hair fell back into place without the aid of gel. "For our sakes, someone had better," Saguru mumbled.

Silence fell upon the detectives as they watched in quiet resignation as the piglet army lay siege to the once great library.

"I think the first thing I'm going to have Kaito do is clean this study," Shinichi muttered, sipping at the coffee. "While wearing a French maid costume with a teeny-tiny mini skirt and a garter and frilly underwear and a hairpiece and a lacey choker."

"Can I come watch him clean the library?" Saguru swallowed hard, the mental picture that Shinichi was painting making the blonde detective suddenly feel uncomfortably warm.

"You know, you'd better." Shinichi slowly blew out a breath. "With him looking like that and calling me 'Master' and climbing up ladders in a short skirt to dust the bookshelves…I might just lose it and jump him if no one's there to stop me."

"Part of you has to wonder, though, if he doesn't actually want it," Saguru mused. "I mean…he _knows_ how we feel about him…or at least that we're attracted to him. He uses it against us enough, but…he's always flirting and egging us on. Doesn't it make you wonder sometimes how he feels about us?" Saguru sighed in confusion. "It's so frustrating."

"I know exactly what you mean," Shinichi sighed in commiseration. "…But doesn't that mean that he likes us both? Or maybe that he doesn't really care for either one of us over the other? Or maybe we're both just delusional and he doesn't actually like us at all. Maybe he's just a giant flirt."

Saguru's face fell, and he took out his vexation on the toast, taking a savage bite, rending it with his teeth as some might a piece of meat. "I like to pretend that he really does have feelings for me after all, but he's just secretly shy about it, so he hides the way he feels with all of the flirting with other people…like camouflage."

"…Yeeeah. Keep dreaming," Shinichi snorted. "If Kaito really liked either one of us, he'd come right out and say it. In fact, he'd probably just plant one on us and announce that we were going to be his boyfriend. I doubt he'd ask our opinion before just making the decision himself."

Saguru shrugged, watching helplessly and, actually, rather indifferently as Orville chased Wilbur chased Babe around the desk and under the couch in a loop. He tried not to focus on his own sad predicament. "Kaito has layers. He only pretends to be bold and brass on the outside. I think he has a sensitive and romantic side…that he'd prepare some kind of moonlit rendezvous in a rooftop garden…dinner by candlelight and then a sweet, sincere confession."

"I always imagined he'd just sweep me off my feet, jump off a building with me, and declare me his as we glided off into the night," Shinichi hummed.

"I'd rather be wooed properly," Saguru grumbled softly.

"I kind of like his unpredictable, wild nature, though. My everyday life sort of follows a routine—okay, a bizarre routine, but pretty predictable even with the murders everywhere I go—and I like the way he just throws a wrench in everything from time to time. I pretend that he annoys me, but…I really like it when he just pops up, says 'Shin-chan, we're going to a festival to see fireworks, and you're gonna buy me cotton candy and candied apples!', and then drags me away from a good book or research for a case," Shinichi chuckled.

"I like that about him too." Saguru smiled softly, taking another bite of toast, more civilized this time. "He's really helped to drag me out of my shell since I came back to Japan a few years ago. Not that I would ever admit to it."

"Of course not." Shinichi nodded knowingly.

They had to pause their conversation here in order to get Pink Floyd off of the ladder Wilbur had been climbing earlier. It seemed that the adventurous little pig had tired of scaling the sofa and wished to ascend to new heights. Literally. Napoleon, on the other hand, was being suspiciously well-behaved, sitting calmly in the corner by the biographies while his siblings ran amuck, chasing each other and knocking objects over without bias.

Shinichi managed to distract the rowdy crowd with a throw pillow and then retreated back to the couch. "So…where were we?"

"I couldn't tell you," Saguru chuckled. He was so tired that he was beginning to think every little thing was uncommonly amusing. "Something about the love of our lives."

"Do you think he knows that we're in love with him, or do you think we need to tell him?" Shinichi posed the question as he picked up the plate with his bacon and egg sandwich once again.

Saguru shook his head, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his cheeks in his palms. "I wish I knew. Part of me is afraid that he knows, but he doesn't want to hurt me by acknowledging those feelings and turning me down properly."

Kaito, who had actually been standing just outside of the study for the past couple minutes but had stopped to listen when he found himself to be the topic of conversation, frowned deeply.

"Yeah," Shinichi mumbled softly. "Yeah. I think the same thing. We're probably both just kidding ourselves, fighting over him like we do when he doesn't like either one of us. He's probably secretly laughing at us."

Kaito was just about to cut in when Saguru did it for him. "Kaito wouldn't do that," he insisted. "He would never make fun of someone else's feelings. He probably just feels sorry for us."

Kaito chose that moment to stop eavesdropping, opening and closing the front door loudly so that the detectives would think he had just come in. Really, he couldn't take any more of his detectives' depressing discussion. Kaito knew that he had to make some hard decisions, and soon for his detectives' sakes, but hearing them talk like that really made his heart ache and the pit of his stomach twist up with guilt.

At the sound of the door, the piglets rushed to the entrance of the study (which had been barricaded with an old baby gate) and started snorting and squealing, doing a little wiggle dance to celebrate the return of their father.

"And how are my babies doing?" Kaito sang, stepping over the gate as piglets jumped up on him. Kaito scooped them up two at a time at first and then Babe by himself and gave them a good squeeze accompanied by Kaito's signature nuzzle. "How were they?" Kaito smiled sheepishly at the two detectives on the couch.

"That was one of the longest hours of my life." Saguru shook his head. "I can honestly say that there are very few times I have been happier to see you."

"Aww, but you're _always_ happy to see me," Kaito chuckled, sending a suggestive wink Saguru's way. He then went over to the couch and settled down between the two. "Shin-chan, did you miss me?"

Shinichi rolled his eyes, pretending he was perturbed as Kaito threw an arm around his shoulders. "I could have done without you, but Hakuba was stuck watching your stupid pigs while I made breakfast."

"My children aren't stupid," Kaito pouted, sticking out his lip and crossing his arms, turning away from Shinichi to snuggle with Saguru. "Whatcha eatin'?"

"Just toast," Saguru replied tiredly, enjoying the attention but trying not to show it too much. "I don't really eat much when I'm stressed."

Kaito bit his lip. "Sorry," he whispered, feeling guilty yet again. "I really appreciate you guys doing this for me. I didn't know it would be so much trouble."

"Oh, no. It's fine. You're fine. I really don't mind at all, Kuroba," Saguru rushed to reassure. "They're just so little. I'm stressed out because it's my responsibility to make sure that nothing happens to them. It's honestly no trouble, though."

"Yeah?" Kaito smiled softly, resting his head on the back of the couch just shy of putting it on Saguru's shoulder.

"Of course," Saguru insisted, feeling his heart flutter as their eyes met. How he loved Kaito's eyes, a beautiful purple shade the color of liquefied gemstones.

"It really is okay with us, Kaito," Shinichi broke in, jealous of all the attention Hakuba was getting.

Kaito turned and smiled at Shinichi. "Thanks guys. You helping me save them really means a lot to me."

"Don't mention it, Kaito," Shinichi chuckled, Kaito's grin making him giddy.

"You're very welcome," Saguru assured once more.

"So…what's Shin-chan eating for breakfast?" Kaito straightened up and turned the conversation back to lighter topics.

During this time, the piglet quintet had converged and was now sitting at the boys' feet, behaving like little lambs now that Daddy was home.

"Oh, just a bacon and egg…sandwich." Too late Shinichi realized his grave error.

Kaito's eyes turned to slits as he glared and growled, "What was that?"

Shinichi floundered for the right words, the perfect excuse that would remove his head from Kaito's chopping block. "I…Uh…It's…"

"Give me that," Kaito snapped, snatching the plate and removing the bacon from the sandwich in one swift, fluid motion. He returned the now bacon-less bacon and egg sandwich and opened his mouth to begin another one of his animal activism rants when, quite unexpectedly, Napoleon launched himself into the air and snatched the piece of bacon that had been dangling between Kaito's fingers.

The piglet swallowed the bacon slice in one gulp, eliciting a shrill, girlish shriek from Kaito followed by meaningless vocalizations that sounded a little bit like: "Gaa eee mamalana! Baaa!"

Saguru and Shinichi gaped in complete and utter shock.

Napoleon looked up at the trio and wagged his tail.

"…It was turkey bacon, at least," Shinichi volunteered weakly.

"Call 110!" Kaito cried. "Call the fire department! Call the paramedics! Call…someone! Whoever it is that you typically call in these situations!"

"Kuroba, calm down. Pigs are omnivores. They eat _everything_," Saguru informed, trying to placate the panicking magician. "So long as the meat is cooked, it should be fine. He really didn't get too much of it either."

"We in this family are vegetarians!" Kaito squeaked with indignation.

"No one told Napoleon that," Shinichi muttered.

"But you're sure it won't hurt him?" Kaito looked at Saguru with desperation in his eyes.

It was actually quite attractive. Saguru really wished that he could have taken a picture. "I'm fairly positive, Kuroba. If you like, we can keep an extra close eye on him or maybe call an animal hospital or something?"

Kaito nodded, giving Saguru a pleading look.

"I'll call," Shinichi offered. "This is my fault."

"No." Kaito turned and gave the sleuth an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I overreacted."

"No, I know how you feel about meat," Shinichi continued penitently. "I'm sorry, Kaito. I was so tired this morning after getting up at night with them, and I wasn't thinking."

In the meantime, while Kaito and Shinichi assigned blame, Saguru called the hospital and spoke with a technician.

After the bacon fiasco was dealt with and the piglets five were put down for a nap, the three boys collapsed onto the couch in the living room.

"I never did get around to telling you guys that I found homes for them, did I?" Kaito said through an enormous yawn.

"You did?!" The two detectives instantly perked up.

Kaito nodded. "Yeah. There's this group that trains therapy animals and goes around to visit people in the hospital and kids with terminal illnesses and mental handicaps and all that. It's actually really cool. I think they'd be good for that kind of thing. More useful than turning them into strips of bacon and breakfast sausages," Kaito mumbled as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He had been up every twenty minutes the previous night, checking on his babies.

"Kaito, that's awesome!" Shinichi exclaimed.

"I'm so glad you were able to find them a good home." Saguru smiled, relief washing over him. "When are we turning them over?"

"They're coming by this evening." Kaito chewed on the inside of his cheek, looking conflicted.

"You'll be sad to see them go, huh?" Shinichi interpreted.

Kaito nodded. "They're gonna be great, though. They're gonna go do magnificent things, so…"

"It's for the best," Saguru chimed in. "You did a good thing, Kuroba."

"I couldn't have done it without you two. Thanks again, guys," Kaito whispered in gratitude.

"Not a problem, Kaito," Shinichi assured.

"Anytime," Saguru seconded.

…

It was an emotional rest of the day leading up to an emotional goodbye as Kaito fed and played with his pig children, snuggling with them, letting them climb all over, hugging them tight, and even giving them kisses. (Shinichi and Saguru made sure to get as much footage and photographic documentation as possible both for Kaito's sake and their own.) And then six o'clock came, along with the people scheduled to take Kaito's babies away to their new destiny.

Saguru and Shinichi stood at Kaito's side, each with a hand on either of Kaito's shoulders as the van drove off with Wilbur, Orville, Babe, Pink Floyd, and Napoleon inside of it.

"Is it strange that I miss them already?" Kaito chuckled even as his throat began to burn. He really didn't want to cry in front of these guys. Not for real, anyway.

"Not at all," Saguru replied gently, and Shinichi gave Kaito's shoulder a supportive squeeze.

"Why don't we go inside and get started on dinner?" Shinichi suggested, hoping that distracting Kaito would help. "And then why don't you two hang around for a little while and we can watch a movie or play games or something?"

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Saguru assisted in the effort to shift Kaito's focus. "How about some tamagoyaki, rice, fruit, and miso soup? Maybe we could even make some kaboccha croquettes, if Kudo has the ingredients and then watch the latest episode of Metropolitan Police Detective Love Story together. You were just telling me the other day about how you missed the last episode due to that train accident."

Kaito gave the nod of approval and permitted himself to be ushered back into the Kudo Manor. He made minimal effort to be present throughout the evening, though; however, somewhere along the line, his expression changed from sad to pensive as his thoughts moved away from his precious piglets and towards the two men at his side.

Shinichi and Saguru were so good to him. They'd always been good to him, even before they'd fallen for him, especially back two years ago when things with Aoko had exploded in a very messy, ugly, bad way. That was back when he'd just begun to get to know Shinichi as Shin-chan instead of just Tantei-kun. That was back before Hakuba had become "Ru".

And now here they were, both men brave and compassionate and sincere and completely in love with him. And now Kaito had to make a decision, hurt someone that he cared for deeply. Now he had to choose. How did one go about picking one path over the other?

If he chose Shinichi, he'd be picking dates constantly interrupted by death and a scary-strong childhood friend with a black belt. He'd also be picking a caring partner whom he could count on even when the going got tough and they were staring down death together. Shinichi had wit and brains and a sense of adventure. Kaito had a feeling that they'd never get bored together.

There was also the fact that Shinichi just got Kaito on an emotional level too. They came from similar backgrounds of tragedy, secrets, and lies…. But there would be the forgotten anniversaries, the feeling of inferiority to an idolized fictional character, and all the plans canceled because an important case had come up. He knew he'd be left behind and momentarily forgotten because Shinichi really was as single-minded as a bloodhound went put on the scent.

But wouldn't Shinichi's shy, yet earnest and heartfelt affections be worth it? All of the flustered "I love you"s and butterfly kisses and desperate apologies ending in a tangle of limbs. Kaito wanted that imperfect romance, that real, living, breathing relationship that they'd both have to work hard at to make work.

And then there was Saguru. If he picked Saguru, he'd be getting a trunk full of baggage, insecurities, and obnoxious in-laws. And yet, Saguru was thoughtful, considerate, and a true gentleman. He loved Kaito with his whole heart and wanted nothing more than to make Kaito happy. Saguru would take care of Kaito, court him, and absolutely spoil him.

Sure, Saguru wasn't as sharp as Shinichi's glorious mind, but Saguru was far from slow-witted. The blonde was sarcastic and snarky. He'd make a fine enough sparring partner, to be sure. It probably wouldn't be as exciting a life with Saguru as it would be with Shinichi, but the normalcy and the security would be good for Kaito. He imagined he'd be able to get quite cozy in a quaint little fairy tale-esq love with Saguru.

There would be headaches, though. No matter how fluently Saguru spoke Japanese, he had still spent the majority of his youth living in England. There were some parts of him that were just western, through and through, and there were still times when Kaito and Saguru came to an impasse because of cultural differences.

But Kaito wanted the storybook romance that Saguru could offer him. He wanted his own personal Prince Charming and the chocolates and the bashful love letters and the flowers left on his pillow. He wanted slavish devotion and impassioned embraces and walks on the beaches of Barcelona and candlelight dinners with a view of the Eiffel Tower. He wanted someone that would always wear a wedding band and still think Kaito was beautiful when he was seventy-three.

It wasn't until Saguru and Kaito were getting ready to leave that evening that Kaito finally came to a decision. It actually happened in a split second as he stepped out onto the front porch after saying goodbye. Kaito decided to take a gamble.

"Shinichi," he called, turning back around and moving in before he could second guess himself. He pinned the other brunette to the doorjamb using his own bodyweight and took Shinichi's lips in a rough, deep, sloppy kiss.

Kaito pulled back and breathlessly demanded, "Be mine."

To which a startled and mentally addled Shinichi could only stutter a dazed, "O-Okay."

In the meantime, Saguru felt crushed, absolutely gutted like the catch of the day…only it didn't seem that he was the catch. No. He'd been the runt that had gotten thrown back. All the hope he'd been holding onto, clutching it desperately to his chest when things got hard and he wanted to surrender, all that hope shattered as Kaito launched himself at Shinichi and passionately kissed the other detective.

Saguru forced himself to look away and tried to persuade himself that he wasn't really there because it wasn't like either one of the other two were acknowledging his existence at the moment. They were in their own little world of just Kaito and Shinichi, and Saguru had been left out. Once again. It felt like that was how his life worked. He was always excluded.

Saguru used every bit of strength he had left in order to pick his feet up and begin walking, but just as he took a step forward, Kaito caught him by the sleeve.

"You too," Kaito said softly yet urgently.

Saguru blinked, mind in no shape to process much of anything right now.

"I love you too," Kaito explained, almost begging. "So you be mine too, Ru."

"_What?"_ The question floated through Saguru's head. He couldn't decipher the meaning. His throat was too dry to produce sound.

"What?" Shinichi asked out loud for everyone's benefit.

Kaito bit his lip, taking a hand from each young man and rubbing the back of it with his thumb. "I know how you guys feel about me, and I know that I can't keep leading you two on anymore, but I can't choose one of you over the other. I love you both, so I want you both to be mine."

Shinichi and Saguru blinked in unison. Shinichi turned to look incredulously at his fellow detective. "I think he's extending us an invite into his harem. Is that what this sounds like to you?"

"If my ears are functioning properly." Saguru frowned. "How exactly would that work?"

"You be the doting legal husband who pays for everything and doesn't suspect a thing," Shinichi proposed. "I'll be the wild and exciting after-hours lover."

"Did you seriously just say that?" Saguru snickered.

"Yeah, and it was really embarrassing," Shinichi mumbled, going red in the face.

"Guys, that's not what I want at all," Kaito sighed, running both hands through his hair.

Saguru and Shinichi both raised an eyebrow.

"Then explain it to us, please," Saguru entreated. "Because we're both very, very lost."

Kaito looked them both in the eye and announced, "What I want is a threesome."

The detectives blinked once more and turned to look at one another. "With _him_?!" they chorused.

Kaito nodded vehemently. "No matter how much you fight, you two are undeniably really good friends. You two get each other, understand each other on a level that I just don't. I think you two would actually make a good couple if the romantic attraction was there."

"But it's not," Shinichi pointed out. "So…let me get this straight…you want the two of us to…do stuff…together?"

Saguru fidgeted uncomfortably.

Kaito nodded, eying the other boys hungrily. He wrapped an arm around both detectives' shoulders. "Not exactly _to_ each other," Kaito clarified. "Not just yet, anyway, even though it would make me _very_ happy if you guys did. For starters, until you guys get more comfortable with each other, you could just…oh, I don't know…team up and 'do stuff' _to me_."

Kaito smirked impishly.

Saguru and Shinichi shared a look, consulting each other with their eyes.

"Like…you could take turns holding me down and doing whatever you wanted to me. Or we could experiment with all the different ways to make a Kaito sandwich. I think that would be fun, don't you?"

Shinichi's mouth was watering, and Saguru's face had turned Queen of Hearts red with all of the dirty thoughts running through his head. They glanced at each other once again and nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, that actually sounds like a lot of fun," Shinichi chuckled.

"I would be willing to consider it," Saguru replied. "After we experiment a little with our clothes on first. I don't believe we should be jumping into things like this."

"Killjoy," Shinichi sighed.

"I'm not stopping _you_ from enjoying a physical relationship with him," Saguru snorted. "I'm just saying that I'd prefer to be left out of it until our relationship reaches a certain level of maturity."

Shinichi rolled his eyes, but Kaito stepped in, wrapping his arms around Saguru's neck and rubbing his nose to the blonde's. "That's okay, Ru," he laughed softly. "I understand. I really like that about you anyway."

"Yeah?" Saguru chuckled, feeling a little dizzy. He couldn't tell if it was just because he was tired from the piglet adventure or if the fulfillment of his wildest dreams combined with Kaito's close proximity was what was doing him in.

"Yeah." Kaito leaned in and pressed his lips to the tip of Saguru's nose.

Shinichi moved in a little closer, wrapping his arms around Kaito's hips from behind.

Kaito giggled, tilting his hips back. "See? Isn't this awesome?"

"I'm happy," Shinichi chuckled, nuzzling the back of Kaito's neck, enjoying the feel of the magician's hair on his face. "You happy, Hakuba?"

"Ecstatic," Saguru mumbled, touching his forehead to Kaito's.

"Would you two maybe want to spend the night again tonight?" Shinichi proposed. "I mean…nothing…I mean…you know, but…just hanging out and maybe some snuggling and just…getting more comfortable together?"

"I'd like that," Saguru chuckled into Kaito's ear.

"I could take turns lying on your laps!" Kaito giggled gleefully, tugging the detectives back inside.

They spent the rest of the evening rolling around on the couch like a ball of kittens, chortling like monkeys, and just enjoying each other's warmth.

When it came time to go to sleep, they piled into Shinichi's bed—which was really only meant for two people, but they made it work—and kept each other up for another hour at least.

After Kaito drifted off to sleep, Shinichi stretched out his neck in order to see over Kaito's head. "You do realize who we have to thank for this, don't you?" he directed at Saguru, also still up.

Saguru sighed and rolled his eyes. "Please don't remind me," he whispered. "Pigs…. I've always liked pigs."

"Yeah," Shinichi chuckled. "Me too."

The

End

…

Mikau: Yeah. So that was my "Shinichi eats bacon" fic. Sorry. I hope you enjoyed it. I do want to say sorry if there were any typographical errors. I didn't edit this as thoroughly as I usually do. I hope you laughed anyway. And just in case you're curious, the pigs' names come from: Wilbur (Charlotte's Web/The Wright Brothers), Orville (The Wright Brothers to go along with Wilbur), Babe (Babe), Pink Floyd (the band. They have pig mascots.), and Napoleon (Animal Farm). Please let me know what you thought. What were your favorite parts? The funniest line? The part you thought could have used more work? Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to review guys! Have a great week! I hope to see you again soon!


End file.
